what does a personal stylist do?

Before we get into today’s post - spring is coming! Can you feel it? I’ve started the process of thinking about my spring wardrobe, and you can too with my Spring Wardrobe Planning Guide. Download it here. 

I get this question a lot: What does a personal stylist do?

All I wanted to do when I started mindful closet was to help women feel good in their clothes. There are many different methods for doing this, but over the last 8 years, I’ve gradually developed and refined my own system. Fundamentally, I make it easier for you to get dressed. I do this by helping you clear your closet of anything that’s not serving you, figuring out what’s missing, and helping you find the right pieces to pull it all together. My approach is holistic and digs deep into what you actually love and feel good in, regardless of society’s external expectations of what you should be wearing. 

Here’s what a personal stylist does, and some of the nitty-gritty of how I do it. 

A personal stylist helps you clarify your style. For me, it starts with getting to the root of why you’re uncomfortable with your clothes. Why you’ve never felt like you were getting it right. Basically, in our first session, we talk for a while. Before we meet, I send a detailed intake questionnaire to get you thinking about how you want to feel. I also send instructions on how to create a Pinterest board and we analyze it together. We define your aesthetic style (*not* what you’ve been told to wear because of the shape of your body) and how your wardrobe needs to function for your life. 

A personal stylist helps you decide what to keep and what to get rid of. Next comes the process of letting go. Taking the plan we made in the first session, we go through your closet together and get rid of the things that no longer fit your aesthetic style, your lifestyle, or your body (which, btw, is just fine as it is). As we go, I’ll be able to help you see patterns in why you’ve been holding onto or buying stuff that just doesn’t work for you. I’ll make notes of the foundational pieces that are missing. 

A personal stylist helps you learn how to shop mindfully. Most women need to add at least a few new items to their wardrobes. Since most of my clients get pretty overwhelmed by shopping, I teach them how to search for what they actually need, and curate a selection for them to filter out some of the noise. If I’m working with a client one-on-one, using your measurements and your style, I’ll select items from three or four online retailers. I’ll send you the links and what size to buy in your own private digital style board. You place the order and we’ll regroup with a video try on session after the items have arrived. I’ll help you understand why I chose the things I did, decide what to keep and what to return and how to pair the new stuff with what you already own.

This is not stuff you’re born knowing. It takes thought and effort and sometimes you need help, just like you’d hire a physical trainer or a nutritionist. 

We can do this work together one-on-one as described above, or you can join me in Making Space, my online group program. In Making Space, I teach you how to accomplish all of the same goals on your own, with the support of a group of women going through the same process. I run Making Space twice a year and it will be opening up in April. You can get on the early access list here. 

people really like my emails ;)

Sign up here to get on the list.

Full Name

Email*

Submit

Marketing by

change this expectation about shopping online

Shopping is hard. Really hard. And somehow, as women, we're all expected not only to know how to do it, but to enjoy it.

When you order clothes online, what are your expectations? Do you generally expect that the clothes you order will fit? If so, you might need to change this expectation or you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Unfortunately, manufacturers make clothes in the most generic proportions possible. They’re hoping to hit as many people as possible with one cut of a garment, when human bodies are infinitely varied. It’s unreasonable to expect that something that was made for a one-size-fits-none fictional body would fit your unique body.

A more realistic expectation is that when you order things online, maybe half of them will actually look like they looked in the picture. Half of *those* will fit your body. Half of those will fit your body and you will like the way they feel on your body. Half of those will fit, and feel good, and align with your aesthetic style. When I tell clients that a good success rate for an online shopping order is to expect 10% of items to work out, they look at me like I’m crazy.

Here’s a picture of about half (only half!) of the jeans I ordered and tried on last fall searching for jeggings I liked. Guess how many of them worked for me?

Zero.

I have the knowledge of where to look and what to buy. I’m a straight sized (the sizes most stores carry, generally 0-12) person with thin privilege. And still, nothing worked for me. I ended up sticking with some thrifted jeggings from a fast fashion brand that were better than any of the other options I tried. If you have any other special sizing needs, it's going to be even harder for you. Add another layer of difficulty if you're in the middle of a style or body transition.

I don’t say this to make anyone lose hope at finding what they need. I say it so that you know that you are not alone, that shopping for clothes is hard, that they are not made to fit our unique bodies. I say it so that you can take the fact that something doesn’t work with a grain of salt and keep on moving without it taking you and your mood down with it.

What do you find frustrating about online shopping?

P.S. I recorded a 90-minute online workshop with all my tips and an accompanying workbook called The Stress Free Shopping Workshop - you can purchase it here.

Looking for one-on-one help? In my new program, I'll help you set those expectations and teach you how to shop mindfully. I'm currently booking clients for April. I have 3 more spots available. This is how it works. If you're interested, book a call below.

we've been conditioned to accept being uncomfortable in our clothes

How well do you listen to your body? Historically, I haven’t been great about it. Like many of you, I learned to “push through” and ignore when I felt tired, or sick, or hungry (or embarrassingly, when I need to pee!). In the past year, I’ve spent a lot of time working on the concept of embodiment and feeling at home in my body. 

When I think about how feeling embodied overlaps with the work I do, I think about how women have been conditioned to accept being uncomfortable in our clothes, therefore ignoring our body’s signals. 

It’s considered normal to try to squeeze into a smaller size, or wear uncomfortable shoes, or to have to take small steps because of the width of our skirts, or wear bras with actual wires poking into us, or tight waistbands, all in the name of looking, as Dr. Valerie Rein would put it, “patriarchy perfect”. 

In her book Patriarchy Stress Disorder, she says:

“Women’s relationships with our bodies have been severely traumatized by patriarchy. As a result, most of us don’t experience our bodies as our friends—rather, they are things we have to manage and torture into compliance. We scheme about how we can squeeze more energy out of them or squeeze them into smaller-sized dresses with Spanx underneath. There’s a disconnection in our relationship with our bodies, and it’s not our fault.

For millennia, women were not allowed to take up space and have autonomy and ownership anywhere, including in our own bodies. Women’s bodies have always been controlled by patriarchal religions, social norms, and laws.“

How much has wearing uncomfortable clothes trained us to ignore what our bodies need? Maybe we need rest, maybe we need a snack, maybe we need to move, but we ignore it all because we’re already ignoring the fact that our feet hurt and we can’t breathe and our clothes are cutting into our flesh. 

Other questions:

Is there a reason the things that we have been conditioned to believe are the most attractive take the most time to implement? (see: The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf)

If you’re not comfortable in your clothes and in your body, are you able to concentrate fully on your work? What about your pleasure?

Would men accept constant discomfort? 

I hope that this is gradually shifting. The more we can push back on these ideas and wear what is genuinely comfortable without needing to satisfy the arbiters of beauty, the more the standards will change. I think most of us are able to reject uncomfortable clothes in our daily wear, but what about when you get “dressed up” or on special occasions? There are no right answers here, just things to think about. As always, I believe it’s possible to feel good and embodied and express your authentic self in your clothes, it just takes some thought and attention. And some listening to your body.

P.S. A disclaimer here that like everything, this may not apply to all groups. Historically, Black people were denied the ability to dress up, and wearing certain clothes may signify freedom instead of oppression. More here. 

P.P.S. These beautiful photos are by my friend, photographer and creative business coach Cassidy Parker Smith. Check out her work here. ​​

5 myths about working with a personal stylist

Today I want to talk about the various myths I’ve heard about working with a personal stylist.

Myth #1: I can do it (define my style, edit my closet, and mindfully add pieces to my wardrobe) myself.

Yep, you can. This is my favorite book for the DIY approach. But - another question: if you could do it yourself, why haven’t you? It might simply not be a high enough priority for you, and that’s cool, you can go on about your business. But if clothes and style is something that you feel you’ve never been able to get right, and you haven’t been able to tackle it on your own, maybe having an empathic, hand-holding, experienced guide is worth it. 

Myth #2: I don’t need a personal stylist because my friend/sister/mom can help me.

That absolutely might be true. It also might be true that your friend/sister/mom is too close to you to be able to see the larger, outside perspective. Does your friend/sister/mom have a personal opinion about what *they* think *you* should wear? My job is to guide you to discover what *you* want to be wearing, not what *I* think you should be wearing.

Myth #3: I can use Stitch Fix.

I have lots of thoughts about Stitch Fix and you can read them here. They haven’t changed much in the 5 (!) years since I wrote that post, except that since then I did find out from a former Stitch Fix employee that they are not allowed to spend more than 15 minutes on any one client 😱

Myth #4: I can use Nordstrom’s free personal styling service. 

In my years shopping at the local Nordstrom locations, I’ve become friends with many of the in-store personal stylists. They are all great at their jobs and I often recommend specific employees to potential clients. Even still, they are limited by the stock and sizes that Nordstrom carries, and of course, the more you buy, the more they make. It would be hard for anyone in that position to tell you *not* to buy something (which is what I do all the time!) 

Myth #5: It’s not worth the money.

I disagree - my reasoning here. 

Want to talk more about how I can help you create an authentic wardrobe through online personal styling services? Let’s chat.

why I don't call myself an image consultant

Fashion therapist?

Sometimes I worry that because I like to talk about other things here like digital minimalism or mental health or sewing or body acceptance or rest, (inner voice: you'll never get clients if you talk about all that stuff) that you’ll forget the work that I do to earn money. Over the next couple of months, I'll be sharing a bit more about my approach to personal styling. Don't worry, I'll still talk about the other stuff too, I'm too neurotic not to 😂

When I first started mindful closet, I wasn’t sure what to call myself. I knew what I wanted to DO (help people who hated getting dressed, who never knew what to wear, who never felt like they had the right thing), but wasn’t sure what that was actually called. Personal shopper? Style coach? Fashion therapist? Image consultant? 

“Personal stylist” vs. “Image consultant”

I’d actually always been turned off by the term “image consultant”, but never knew why until very recently.

Part of what I did know is that the phrase connotes a corporate image. To me, it felt stiff and a bit fake, quite honestly. Now I realize that this is because women were told that in order to succeed in the corporate world, they basically had to conform to a male version of what was appropriate put in place by the patriarchy.

Then, a few months ago, I heard an episode on The Body Image podcast with therapist Elizabeth Scott. She spoke about the difference between body image and embodiment and something clicked for me:

“The phrase body image is fundamentally disassociative. It produces this idea of looking at our bodies from outside. It’s always a picture of ourselves looking in the mirror. And thinking about how we’re seen from outside. So we’re already directing the individual to look at themselves from outside which is a dissociative position. You leave your body and look back at it in a critical way.”

To relate this to clothes, the word image implies that you are working to be perceived a certain way externally, which may not align with how you feel internally. I’m more interested in making sure you feel like your most authentic self, whether that manifests in a power suit or polka dot pajama pants.

This wasn’t something I was aware of when I first started working with clients, but over the years, I've come to believe that the most important end result for the work I do with women is for women to feel empowered to be their authentic self, and to be able to express themselves in their own authentic style. In my experience, it never works when someone else imposes a style on someone based on what they think they should be wearing. It doesn’t stick, the person doesn’t feel good in it, they don’t feel at home.

Even though we do have to adhere to certain societal standards, I believe wholeheartedly that if you show up in the way that you feel best, your spirit will shine through and you will connect with people in an authentic way.

So, I landed on the phrase "personal stylist". It’s (obviously) about personal work and not just shopping or pleasing others. It feels internal and authentic.

I'd love to hear your thoughts - which term do you like best?


Special note: If you're thinking about working with me, I'm beta testing a new 1:1 program with 6 new clients. I already have two people booked, but let me know if you'd like one of the other 4 spots. The programs will eventually be priced at $1297 and $1997 in April, but I'm offering a significant discount for working with me during this beta round. Email me if you're interested.

I weighed myself - body acceptance affirmations

I haven’t weighed myself much since I had my second child two and a half years ago and not at all since before the pandemic. 

I know that my body normally fluctuates throughout the year. Usually in winter, being less active and craving cozy foods, my weight goes up, and in summer, when I’m moving around more and craving lighter foods, it goes down. I’ve adjusted to and accepted this pattern.

Last spring, the pattern changed. We had a pandemic. My habits changed from previous years. I knew that my body was changing because of how it felt, not good or bad, just different. Some of my clothes became a little tight, but because I am a fan of elastic waists and stretchy pants, most didn’t. I replaced the ones that were tight with the next size up and went about my day. 

Then I weighed myself. Somehow seeing the different number on the scale was more jarring than feeling or seeing the changes. As much as I preach about body acceptance and that it’s normal for bodies to change, I still felt sad for a couple of days.

So I went back to the affirmations for body acceptance I’ve created for myself.

If you would like to stop putting so much energy into thoughts about what you should eat or do, download my body acceptance affirmations and check out these incredible resources:

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole. The gist: your body knows what it needs and years of conditioning and external messages about being “good” or “bad” have obscured the messages it’s been trying to give you. 

No Sweat by Michelle Segar. Change your perspective on exercise. It can just be movement that feels good in your body. (h/t to my good friend Kourtney Thomas for turning me onto this one)

Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Lindo Bacon. Scientific data that proves that diets don’t work and how weight doesn’t reflect health.

The Body is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self Love by Sonya Renee Taylor. The title says it all. 

I’m no expert in this stuff, just someone who’s lived through it. If you would like help moving past some of these thoughts so that you can feel good in your clothes, book a FREE 20-minute clarity call and let’s talk about it.

ask for what you want (is it an online personal styling session 🤔?)

Gifts are my love language. Even still, as much as I love surprises, I ask for what I want. Expecting someone else (namely my husband) to read my mind and choose the perfect item for me is setting both of us up for disappointment. He’d rather get me something he knows I’ll love and I’d rather receive something I will use. Holiday gifts are a big part of how I plan additions to my wardrobe. I save special items I might not normally allow myself to buy for those occasions and ask for them then (this year it’s a piece of jewelry from Tiro Tiro).

As a personal stylist, offering gift certificates just seems like something you should do. But because the work I do is so personal, I have lots of horror stories from the times when I used to offer them. When I would show up to a session for someone who was redeeming a gift certificate, they’d often be confused about who I was, why I was there, and what we were going to do. Often, they’d actually have been offended by the gift (remember back on What Not to Wear when people had that look of horror because they realized everyone around them hated their style?) And then there’d be the people who’d call me out of the blue three years after their gift certificate expired. 🙄 So I stopped offering gift certificates.

It’s not for me or anyone else to tell someone their style is wrong. I don’t care if your husband or your mother thinks you need to change your style, I only care what *you* think. If you’re happy with your style, who am I to come in and tell you to change it?

BUT. I also don’t think people should have to be mind readers to give someone a useful gift. People should be able to ask for things that they want as a gift. It’s not rude, it’s using resources in a way that are certain to be appreciated.

So if this is you, and you actually do want to work with a personal stylist and think it would be a great gift to receive from someone else, I decided to offer gift certificates for my mini-sessions this year. The mini-sessions are online personal styling sessions where we tackle one style issue head on. We can define your style, untangle your shopping habits, or create a capsule wardrobe. After the mini-session, we can continue on with a closet cleanse, I can act as your personal shopper, or you can just run with the guidance I’ve given you.

Share this link with your gift-giver and make it known that you’d appreciate this - I even put a little check box in the terms and conditions that says “This gift certificate has been requested by the recipient” just to make sure there are no hurt feelings 😍 (other fine print: **Gift certificates expire 6 months after purchase and are non-refundable.)

You can read about how mini-sessions work and buy a gift certificate here.

Do you ask for specific gifts or leave it up to the gift giver?

P.S. The cost of the mini-sessions will probably be going up in 2021, so buy one for yourself if you want to get in on the current price! Above is a short video testimonial from Emma’s “Define Your Style” mini personal styling session.