clothes matter both a lot and not at all

This concept of both/and has been one of the few things I feel like I’ve actually learned in my 44 years on this spinning rock. Motherhood really kicked that into gear. I can want to stay home with my baby and also want to work. I can feel really ambitious and also not have the energy to act on my ambitions. I can both love my children dearly and lose my s#@% with them.

How can clothes matter both a lot and not at all? Well, sometimes I think clothes matter a lot. I want everyone to have the experience of feeling good in their clothes, of wearing an outfit that makes them feel good, that they feel themselves in. We have to get dressed every day and it’s something we do every day that can have an impact on our mood. In particular, if you’re wearing clothes that don’t fit, it can really make you feel terrible. It’s important.

Here’s where I might deviate from other “personal stylists”.

And also, clothes aren’t important at all. What if you’re wearing an outfit that isn’t the fullest embodiment of your personal style? What if you’re wearing something you don’t love? What happens then? Mostly, nothing, especially if we don’t make it mean something. It shouldn’t matter because our clothes don’t define us. Who we are as people isn’t determined by what we wear. It can’t be, because as we know there are many barriers to being able to show up as yourself in your clothes (cultural expectations, financial constraints, size accessibility). And so, clothes also aren’t that important.

Yes, we want to feel confident in our clothes and sometimes a specific outfit gives us that sense of safety and confidence. But should we feel bad about ourselves when we have a big day and our clothes aren’t giving us that security? No, in those cases, we have to remember that it’s the content of what we’re doing or who we are that’s really important.

So either way, you’re ok. If you enjoy the process of thinking about what you’re wearing, clothes may matter to you. If you don’t enjoy it, and prefer to think as little as possible about clothes, then they aren’t that important. And for some of us, some days clothes are important and some days they’re not.

P.S. Here’s a blog post I wrote about the evolution of my style over time and a few tips for how to separate from those external messages and identify your authentic personal style.

when were you taught that your body dictated your worth?

Recently, I was listening to the Wellness Lately podcast, and one of the hosts asked this question: "When was I taught that my body dictated my worth?"

I’d never thought about it before, but I realized that there was a clear answer for me.

Growing up, I was an awkward, scrawny, nerdy kid. I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t cute, I didn’t have the required trendy clothing items. Yes, I was skinny, but in the way where my knees were bigger than my legs and kids teased me by asking if my mom ever fed me. That was in elementary school. Add braces and frizzy hair and things went further downhill in middle school.

(photographic evidence of middle school awkwardness)

Then, something happened. The summer before my freshman year of high school, my family moved across the country. When I started high school that fall in my new town, things got weird. I was the new girl. All of a sudden, boys were paying attention to me. Nothing had changed in my mind, or for me personally, but all of a sudden, I was cute and popular. I was asked to dances. I was on the homecoming court. Or maybe it was prom court, one of those.

And looking back, the only thing that I can see that made me suddenly worthy was my body. Somehow, going through puberty, my skinniness was now desired. People were suddenly paying attention to it in a positive way. (In a very pre-#metoo era, this attention was often expressed by grabbing various body parts in the school hallways.)

That attention felt good and it meant that valuing myself because of my body is something I’ve done ever since. It’s something that has made the mid-life changes to my body even more disconcerting. I’m only now realizing how much I let others’ perceptions of my body dictate my worth and I'm now putting in the work to try to detach from those perceptions.

Have you had this experience? When were you taught that your body dictated your worth? I'd love your thoughts.

P.S. I’m offering a big discount if you prebook my one-on-one program for August. Book a clarity call here to find out more.

on perfectionism and ethical fashion

Ethical fashion is a nebulous issue.  

Even within “sustainable” brands, there is a wide range of commitment. Are you paying your workers a living wage? Are you disposing of toxins responsibly? Are you using ethically sourced fabric? Are you offsetting shipping carbon? The list goes on and on and I doubt there’s any company doing absolutely all of these things. 

By its nature, ethically made fashion costs more and not everyone has the resources available to participate in it. There also is not the same range of size availability that there is in other brands. 

There is also a sneaky trick being played by corporations wherein they try to place the responsibility for these ethical dilemmas on consumers. Holding large corporations (and the government for not regulating them) accountable for their unethical practices will make much more of a difference than punishing ourselves for not making the most ethical purchase. 

Despite all of these things, when I talk to people on the interwebs, they feel guilty if every purchase isn’t perfectly, sustainably, ethically made. Some of you aren’t buying new clothes because you’re paralyzed by the task of trying to make the best purchases possible. 

Here’s the thing: clothing affects how we feel on a given day and you need clothes that fit. If you feel bad about yourself because you’re wearing clothes that are too small, you won’t have the energy and capacity to work towards bettering the world. 

The most ethical thing you can do is to buy clothes that you will wear often. You can buy new clothes ethically even if the clothes aren’t ethically made by considering how much you’re going to use and wear something. If you buy something from the Gap and wear it three times a week for three years, it’s a more ethical purchase than something ethically made that never gets worn. 

Even then, you’ll make mistakes. You’ll buy things you thought you’d love and wear but you don’t. You’ll buy things and then your body will change again. Do your best. 

Am I saying you shouldn’t strive to buy clothes ethically? Absolutely not. But shaming and guilting people into feeling bad about procuring new clothes to fit their current body is not productive and is actually hampering the overall forward movement. 

What do you think? Are you trying to achieve eco-conscious perfection?

everything you ever wanted to know about working with a personal stylist

I thought it might be nice to collect everything I’ve written about what it’s like working with an online personal stylist in one place. Enjoy!

Let’s break it down:

What is a personal stylist?

• Here’s the elevator pitch: I tell you how to acknowledge and let go of the messages you’ve been given about what you should be wearing.

• I can also help you define you personal style and you can learn more here and here.

why do I do this work?

• Because I don’t care about your “body type”, I care about you feeling amazing in clothes you love.

• I don’t think “flattering” is the goal.

how do you do this virtually?

• I’ve honed in a process that is accessible to work with clients 1 on 1 online. You can learn more about the process here.

• You can also join a group program that’s offered twice a year called Making Space. Read more about it here.

• Also here’s why a personal online stylist is better than stitch fix.

what else should I know?

• I am not an “image consultant” and here’s why.

• I use principles and perspective of intuitive eating and Health at Every Size. Clothes are supposed to fit your body, not the other way around.

• There are a lot of myths about what personal stylists do. I’ve debunked them here.

isn’t it too expensive?

• It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. Read more about how to hire a stylist on a budget.

Want to talk more about my long term one-on-one program? Sign up for a free clarity call here:

the gifts of imperfection (in our wardrobes)

A few weeks ago, I asked in my Instagram stories: As you develop your personal style, are you holding yourself to an impossible standard of perfection? I knew some people would identify with this, but to my surprise, 76% of the respondents replied “yes”.

Some of the ways people said they held themselves to a standard of perfection were:

• Feeling like I need an outfit for every mood or occasion

• Not knowing if my minimalist wardrobe is my choice or horrible decision paralysis

• Feeling pulled between wanting to be cute and feeling like what’s the point?

• Need to look perfect, like the lookbook images

• One person said they feel like they only have two choices: to shrink their body to fit back into their old ethically made clothes or to be a bad environmentalist to buy new clothes

• I often feel too guilty to make new purchases because I worry I’m not buying ethically enough (these last two relating to ethical fashion are such a large issue on their own, I’m saving them for their own dedicated newsletter).

I see this with my one-on-one clients too. They’re frozen in indecision because of the fear of making a mistake with something they add to their wardrobe. Some of this is healthy. If we’ve bought many items in the past that we don’t wear, we don’t want to continue the same pattern. That’s a good thing. But sometimes you can’t know what TO buy if you don’t make mistakes in the process of learning what NOT TO buy.

As I tell my 3 and 7-year olds, we all make mistakes. You will make mistakes in building your wardrobe. If you make a mistake, the best thing to do is learn from it. Why didn’t the item work? Was it something in the process of buying it? Was it too impulsive? Or was it something about the item specifically: the fabric, the cut, that it didn’t have pockets, whatever? If you learn from it and are able to avoid making the same mistake in the future, that was not a wasted purchase and there’s no need to punish yourself.

What about wanting to get dressed in the perfect outfit every day? Some days you feel like you’re killing it and some days you’re just not. Does every day and every article of clothing need to be perfect? No, of course not, because that’s an impossible thing to hold ourselves to.

I had a therapist once who told me that for any human, it wasn’t realistic to expect that we have only good days. She said that we should aim for a goal of 80% good days to 20% rough days. She broke it down even further and got really realistic with it. That meant that in a month, we were pretty much guaranteed to have around 6 bad days. Like not wanting to get out of bed or do anything kind of bad days. How much more gentle would we be with ourselves if we knew those days were coming?

What if we could hope that 80% of our clothing items are really great and 20% are not exactly what we want, but they work for now? Or what if 80% are super versatile and practical and 20% we just have to have for certain occasions even if they work for nothing else? What if we could allow ourselves 20% of the days we get dressed are outfits we just really don’t love? What if that was all ok and we didn’t have to feel like we were failing at something?

The last thing I’ll say is that for some reason, women have been expected to know how to do all this clothing stuff well, but it’s a skill that is learned like anything else. If you wouldn’t hold yourself to an expectation of perfection in drawing animals or building bridges or performing brain surgery if you hadn't been trained in any of those things, why would you hold yourself to perfection in your wardrobe?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Does this give you any permission to let things be a little less perfect?

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intuitive eating on a personal stylist's blog? yes.

graphic with peach and rust colored arches that says “how intuitive eating informs my work”

CW: this post makes references to disordered eating and diet culture.

Why would I be writing about intuitive eating?

Intuitive Eating is about trusting your inner body wisdom to make choices around foods that feel good in your body, without judgment and without influence from diet culture. When we filter out the noise and influence that diet culture presents to us as false truths, we can then truly listen to what our body wants and needs from food

What if we replace “food” in that statement with “clothes”?

Intuitive (dressing) is about trusting your inner body wisdom to make choices around (clothes) that feel good on your body, without judgment and without influence from the (fashion industry). When we filter out the noise and influence that (ideal standards of beauty) present to us as false truths, we can then truly listen to what our body wants and needs from (our clothes).

Makes sense, right? The way that I like to apply this concept to the work I do is to help clients unpack the messages they’ve been given about what they should wear because of their body and instead listen to themselves and their bodies about what they want to wear.

When you follow an eating plan you see on the internet or in a magazine, you’re taking rules made by someone who has no idea of your actual needs and trying to superimpose it on your life. It’s no wonder 90+% of diets fail. When you do the same for clothing (listening to what someone who doesn’t know you, your body, or your lifestyle tells you to wear), the results are the same.

Reminders

• I don’t see your body as something flawed or to be concealed, but as a worthy being that is allowed to fully inhabit the space you take up.

• I won't tell you how to dress, but I'll ask questions and guide you back to your authentic style inner wisdom.

pregnancy wear for larger bodies

Every once in a while, I work with a client who’s already an expert shopper and doesn’t need my help in that area. Virginia was one of those. We spent all of our time together confirming her style and editing down her massive collection of incredible clothes so that she could make room for a baby! During our time together, she did a massive amount of research about maternity clothes for plus size women and she’s allowing me to share it here so that everyone can benefit! Here’s a list from her with her personal notes.

Seek Collective - size-inclusive linen dresses

Nap Lounge Wear - elevated loungewear that runs huge

Pink Blush - great, cheap basics, size-inclusive, so great

Storq - have a small plus size maternity section but it’s nice stuff, love the jumper overalls 

Old Navy - plus size in store now and I found a lot of maternity returns on the sale rack

Peridot Robes - actually luxurious feeling plus size robes that fit!! 

Athleta - also has some great robes.

ASOS - maternity stuff is cut like I’m 6’ tall but I’ve made some of it work

Miranda Bennett Studio - got a cool linen nursing dress here

Shiny by nature - colorful, size-inclusive basics!

Lucy and Yak - adorable overalls, size-inclusive, not good for short people

Philomena + Ruth - dope jumpsuits and lounge pants, have almost all of them

Artemisia made - expensive, nice, roomy linen stuff

Esby - my old Esby stuff fits great

Uzi - the tunics always fit and are such a good price

Saint and Sophia - great lounge pants

Rachel Craven - expensive, dope, often sold out 

Gentle Herd - giant, nice sweaters

MIMU MAXI - so many stretchy, basics

Lattelier - giant sweaters, expensive 

Such an amazing list, right? And here’s a little love from Virginia about our work together.

Where did you shop for maternity items?